Your kids just want you, they want to be connected with you. When children feel seen, valued and heard it makes all the difference in how they feel about themselves.
Some important ways to create quality connections with your kids:
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Active Listening – listening without interrupting. Let it be about them, their point of view.
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Quality Time – give them quality time. Your presence and your love. 10-15 minutes a day of device free time. Make it “child directed”. Let them lead the play.
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Do Activities Together – chores, cooking, gardening, talking, walking. Give them your full attention and partake in shared experiences.
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Love & Affection – cuddles & words. “I love you”. Recognize something you love about them and say it. They want to feel connected to you.
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Take an Interest in their Interests – if they’re into dinosaurs, for those 15 minutes you get into dinosaurs. They’re enjoying puzzles, or a certain musical artist. Be with them and ask questions about what they know about that one thing. Why do they like it? Give them the chance to be the expert.
It’s hard to connect with your child when they are misbehaving, or feeling off. It’s in those times when quality connections are so important. You want to try to understand what may be underlying their behavior. Usually it has to do with something feeling tricky, scary or hard.
Positive Discipline is a methodology I use in my coaching. The Positive Discipline principles are based on Adlerian psychology which embraces the theory that children will move toward cooperation when they sense that the adult cares about them and treats them with respect and dignity. Connection before correction.
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A Misbehaving Child is a Discouraged Child – often when a child is misbehaving it’s because something is going on with them. Something feels tricky, or scary, or frustrating. Connect with them first to let them know they’re OK. Then try to understand what may be going on inside.
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Create Closeness and Trust instead of Distance and Hostility – often our kids trigger us by their behaviors. Take some time to calm down before reacting. Then try to connect when you’re calmer.
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Children do Better When They Feel Better – if a child is acting out, or misbehaving, try to sort through what might be going on inside. Are they sleepy, hungry, anxious? Try to decode and then find the moments when they are more calm to discuss behavior.
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Make Sure Children Know You are on Their Side – I believe that you’re scared, I believe that you don’t want to go to school because it’s boring.
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Children Need to Feel Needed – Tell them you need help setting the table because they’re so good at it. Can you draw those flowers for me that I like so much? You can sit next to me and draw while I am cooking dinner.
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The Primary Goal of all Children (and all people) is belonging and significance – let them know they are valued through words, actions, hugs and kisses.
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Children Will Listen after They Feel Listened To – connecting with your child through the difficult times will help them feel seen, valued and heard. Listen to them and their ideas.
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Focus on Respectful Solutions that Involve Everyone Concerned – if your children are fighting for example, ask them to help come up with solutions rather than just fixing the conflict yourself.
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Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time – set boundaries on their behavior, but always let them know you see them and love them.
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Win Children Over Instead of Trying to Win Over Children – the old because I’m the parent and I said so…it doesn’t garner any respect. Your child will be more likely to adhere to boundaries and limits if they feel respected and have consistent positive interactions with you.
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Children Need Encouragement Like a Plant Needs Water – children need to be watered & watered often. Fill them up as much as possible.
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When in Doubt Try a Hug – hugs are very calming for children. It’s also great to ask for a hug. It will feel empowering for your child, as well help them calm down.
