Parenting is Hard…but utilizing some basic strategies can help simplify your parenting interactions and set your children up for success.
Many of my clients are fearful, anxious and question themselves when it comes to their parenting. Parenting is one of the few things in which we have no training and certainly one of the most important roles we will have in life.
Here are some of the best parenting practices that we know foster great results:
1.Your child is separate from their behavior.
Often, kids act out or misbehave because they are feeling out of sorts and don’t know how to manage their feelings. They may hit, bite or yell because of frustrations that they haven’t learned to deal with.
Your child’s latest behavior doesn’t define who they are as a kid. Your kid is still a good kid, their behavior just may be difficult right now.
2.Notice your child’s behavior with curiosity & empathy.
Try to understand what is underlying their behavior, emotions and feelings. There’s always a story or reason behind this.
Remember, kids do well if they can. Be curious as to what has gotten in the way of them feeling OK, or acting OK. Our job is to teach our kids skills and to learn tough emotions, not to punish them for not having the capacity to understand their emotions yet. They haven’t learned emotional regulation yet.
Are they tired, hungry, afraid or possibly anxious? Your child’s behavior is often attached to an underlying feeling or emotion.
3.Boundaries
Boundaries are about setting limits with your children and holding firm to decisions. An example of a boundary that is set could be around leaving the park at a certain time, or how much screen time is allowed in a day. You may have discussed these things with your child beforehand and when the time comes to get off their screen they may say NO and get emotional.
4.Validation
This is where validation comes in. Validation is seeing your kid’s emotions as real and important. A kid’s job is to feel a full range of emotions. Your job is to be there to help them understand.
In the above example, if your child is having difficulty with the boundary, try to validate their emotions first, then implement the boundary.
For example, “It’s time to leave the park, we talked about staying for 2 hours and now it’s 5pm and we have to go home. If your child is still resistant and saying NO and pleading for more time, you can say, “I know it’s hard to leave the park when you’re having so much fun and some of your friends are still here.” We decided we’d leave at 5.
If they’re still resistant you can say, “I see this is difficult for you to leave on your own. “I am going to pick you up and hold your hand while we walk home.” Or, give them a choice of how they’d like to leave. “Let’s race to the end of the gate.” Sometimes, this makes the whole process easier if they get a say in it.
You have set some foundational rules here. You have stuck to the boundary of leaving the park when you said you would, as well as validated your child’s upset feelings. You’ve allowed them to feel whatever they might be feeling about leaving the park, but you have remained firm to the boundary and shown your child that there are rules to follow and that they’ll be OK. You have helped them with this transition
The next important element of parenting is Repair. Nothing is as important as Repair.
You just yelled at your kid, you feel terrible and you want to go in and repair what just happened.
5.Rupture & Repair
It’s never too late for a do over. You yelled, and didn’t listen to them because you were rushed. Try saying, “I’m sorry I yelled earlier. I have been really stressed about things at work and I was impatient with you. I’m sorry. I love you.”
This teaches your child that it’s OK to make mistakes and it also fosters the idea that you have a range of feelings too. It’s OK to have feelings, make mistakes, but we can all come back, apologize and move on. It’s a wonderful quality to teach your child.
These basics will be the foundational elements of your daily parenting. Don’t beat yourself up for not grasping them right away. It’s like any new skill you learn, it takes time and patience.
If you practice these and utilize them regularly in your parenting, you’re off to a great start.
