Helping children explore the consequences of their choices is different than imposing consequences on them. Exploring invites your child’s participation and allows them to think and figure things out for themselves. They can decide what they want and need.
When we impose consequences or tell our children what happened and how they should feel they can become defensive and this often invites more rebellion. If we allow our child/ren to explore their own ideas instead of feeding it to them through asking curiosity questions, we allow them to learn.
It’s important to not have a script, or an agenda. Be present and listen. Try to enter their world, give them the space to talk to you. Don’t ask questions if either of you are upset or angry. Show empathy and acceptance.
Typical Curiosity Questions:
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What were you trying to accomplish?
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How do you feel about what happened?
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What did you learn from this?
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How can you use what you learned in the future?
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What ideas do you have for solutions now?
We’ve all been there and used the word, “why” with our children. This word isn’t generally used in curiosity questions for a reason. Why often feels accusatory and makes a child defensive.
When a child is younger, you can begin to ask curiosity questions, as well as ‘brainstorm ideas” together. You may get the answer of “I don’t know” often. This is when you ask those curiosity questions to illicit a response and brainstorm ideas to get the conversation moving.
When children learn that they can be part of a solution and their ideas matter, they will understand that mistakes happen and aren’t tragic. Mistakes are always an opportunity to learn.
Telling Parent vs Asking Parent:
Telling Parent
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Go brush your teeth
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Dont’ forget your coat
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Go to bed
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Do your homework
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Stop fighting with your brother
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Put your dishes in the dishwasher
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Hurry up and get dressed or you’ll miss the bus
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Stop whining
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Pick up your toys
Asking Parent
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What do you need to do so your teeth won’t feel so skuzzy?
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What are you taking so you won’t be cold outside?
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What is next in your bedtime routine chart?
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What is your plan for doing your homework?
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How can you and your brother solve this problem?
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What did we decide to do with your dishes when we’ve finished eating ?
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What do you need to do to catch the bus on time?
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What words can you use so I can hear you?
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What is your responsibility when you are finished playing with your toys?
(Positive Discipline – courtesy of Jane Nelson & Lynn Lott)
Try some of these techniques out and let me know how it goes…
