Self regulation is the key to being a responsive parent. It’s the single most important factor in corregulating our babies and toddlers when their emotions are big. Emotions can be contagious. Young children absorb our energy and emotions. They will share in our calm and in our upset.
Our children need to see our self regulation skills in order to help regulate their own. If we can’t regulate ourselves, we can’t help our children to regulate.
Here are 5 Steps When Parenting Feels Hard
- Stop and Breathe -Try to stop in the moment, take some breaths and reset. What are you currently feeling? Are you feeling overwhelmed, irritable and irritated?
- Notice the Sensations in your Body – bring awareness to your body. What is your body feeling at this moment? Try to feel what is going on.
- Create Safety for Yourself – Talk to yourself with self compassion. Mantras and affirmations work well.
- My child isn’t giving me a hard time, they are having a hard time
- This is hard. I can do hard things.
- Kids do well when they can
- I choose love and calm over being upset right now
- Calm Your Body – Find some calming strategies.
- Calming breaths – in through the nose (hold) out through the mouth (hold) counts of 5 to start.
- Take a drink
- Press on each finger of each hand. Do this a couple of times.
- Sit down and ground your feet on the floor.
- Visualize being grounded with your feet planted on the floor
- Shift Your Perspective – Try to see things through your child’s perspective. Remember the mantra, “Kids do well if they can.” This can allow for greater empathy for your child. Have empathy and compassion for yourself knowing this is hard stuff.
When your child is old enough if there was a rupture (a conflict) you can repair it. You can soothe your baby and reconnect with your toddler. Apologize to your older child for losing your cool and explain to them what happened.
“I’m sorry, I had a tough day at work and I had a short fuse today. I’m sorry.” “I am really tired today and hearing the yelling from the other room angered me.
When you are really feeling triggered, try telling your older child you need to go into the other room to calm down. You can go take a walk too. This will not work with a younger child, or a toddler, so the use of breath work and some self soothing techniques will work best. You can put the baby in a safe place and then try to calm down. You can put the baby in a stroller and take a walk. You can take your toddler outside to play so you both can be more calm.
Once you are feeling calm, you can then talk to your child about their behavior and some limit setting.
Self regulation is key. We do better by our kids when we respond rather than react.